Friday, July 29, 2011

It wasn't always rainbows and sunshine..

Now that we are all friends here, I thought I would share something a little more personal and honest. A look into my first few months as a mom..

I had always wanted to share my story, and after reading this post by PattyAnn, I felt inspired as ever.

This is why the blogging world is so incredible, I now know that other women had the exact same emotions as me. I wasn't crazy. I wasn't alone. I just wish someone had told me that this was normal, that I would survive when I came home from the hospital. Instead I literally was going to lose my shit, to be blunt.

Coming home from the hospital was nerve-wracking yet exciting. We were anxious to bring our little girl home, however, we were also used to being in the hospital with doctors, nurses, and a button to push when you needed help. Call me terrible, but I sent Saige to the nursery both nights I was there. Mama needed to catch some zzz's. I was on such a high..that I should have known I would somehow come crashing back down to reality.

You see...I have received treatment previously for depression. I was on Paxil during high school for a year or two, and have now been on Lexapro since 2006. It was ok'ed by my doctor that it was safe for me to remain on Lexapro during my pregnancy, thank god. I am certain that if it weren't for my Lexapro, I would have been in a treatment facility for PPD. I know exactly how these women feel who suffer from PPD. During those first few weeks I would sit there nursing my little girl, with tears streaming down my face, wondering why I did this to myself.

Not that I didn't love my little girl to pieces, it was just all these emotions..and all the hormones. The combination of it all plus the sleep deprivation literally put me over the edge. To make matters worse, Saige would only sleep if it was on myself or my husband. So for 3 weeks, Saige and I slept on the sofa every night. I don't know what I would have done without my parents, especially my mom. She would listen to me sob on the phone. She wouldn't judge me. She would drive to our apartment in the middle of the night if I needed her. I have such admiration for those new mothers who don't have their families around, they are heroes in my book.

Around 3 weeks of age, Saige started crying and screaming once 6:00 rolled around. I thought it was the dreaded colic. Seriously, could it get any worse? I immediately started to look at my diet, wondering if it was what I was eating that was making her little tummy upset. I became stressed about my diet and went back and forth between breastfeeding and formula. I wanted to breastfeed until I went back to work but it was so difficult having to monitor everything I ate and drank.

Then I read "The Happiest Baby on the Block", discovered swaddlemes and white noise, and I gained some (not all) of my sanity back. I realized that Saige got so cranky at night because she was exhausted and overtired. I started using a heating pad at night during tummy time and it really seemed to soothe her through the tummy pains. We were finally starting to get somewhere and I was slowly seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I realized that I could handle this huge life change.

I feel like a much stronger woman, wife, and mother. I don't feel embarrassed about my emotions, I now know that I wasn't alone. I will be much more prepared for my next child. As I know it isn't going to be all rainbows and sunshine. There may be some stormy skies..and I will be ok with that.
*as long as I have my 20mg of Lexapro*


PattyAnn said...

This is why I'm so eager to share my experience! I knew I wasn't alone, other people HAD to feel the same way! I'm glad you are also sharing your experience, it feels so good to be honest, even if it doesn't always sound good!

Dana said...

I feel ya hun!!! I am glad to know too that I am not the only one that is soo much better with an antidepressant!! I had the same feelings and I really appreciate u sharing your story!! Maybe soon I will be brave enough to share mine :D

kjpugs said...

I think if people were honest, EVERYONE would have stories like this. I am so glad you shared!!!

Jessica Hudson said...

These are the kinds of posts that make me so grateful for mommy bloggers! I hope you realize how much your words help me and will help other women in the future. Thank you! I can't wait to read more posts on your blog.


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