So without further ado...
1. I'm wearing maternity jeans but I haven't been pregnant in six years.
2. I hate reading bedtime stories. I only do it because I know I have to. Sometimes, I just let them fall asleep watching TV.
3. I kiss my young teenager goodbye in the morning as she leaves for school, rising above the hormone-fueled snarling and histrionics. Then I close the front door and flip her off, with both hands.
4. I forget to brush my 1- and 2-year-olds' teeth. I am not sure why it’s so hard for me to remember, but it’s a good thing that these teeth will fall out.
5. Hidden in the pantry in a box labeled “flour” is top of the line chocolate and a few joints. I rarely resort to it, but it’s a comfort knowing it’s there.
6. I miss the career I gave up more than I miss my son when I go to the grocery store. But I always get to go back to him.
AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE:
7. Once a woman asked me if I breastfed my baby, so I asked her if she shaved her vagina. Sorry, you don't like personal questions? Me neither.
8. I confiscated my teenager's stash of pot, gave her a lecture, and have been smoking it ever since myself.
9. I joined a gym just for the free daycare. I drop the kids off and read magazines and blogs in the locker room.
10. At the end if the day, my needs are really simple: To be able to shit in peace.
11. I throw candy wrappers behind the couch and then blame the kids when my husband finds them.
12. My kids hardly bathe in the summer. The pool totally counts.
13. I knew my daughter had lice and I sent her to school anyway because I didn't want to cancel my hair appointment.
14. I buy store-made muffins and pass them off as my own for bake sales.
15. Everyone thinks I'm such a great mom for teaching my daughter how to read already. It wasn't me. It was the Leapfrog pen. I had no idea she could read.
16. I have a favorite child and I am hardest on him because I feel so guilty about it.
17. I clock out of motherhood at 8 p.m. I'm so done that I walk out even if they aren't all tucked in bed and go hide in the basement with my laptop and a beer.
18. Mother dropping her kid for a sleepover at my house: “No food dye, no dairy, just soy milk, only organic food, and we don’t eat ANY fast food.” I let them eat all the junk they wanted. They seemed fine.
19. When my daughter asked me what comes after a trillion, I told her "a gazillion." Um, we are homeschoolers. Not supposed to just make shit up.
20. Three kids and my husband has never changed a poopy diaper. He says he hates the smell -- like I like it?! I'm going to shove the next one in his pillow.
21. I often see kids and say, "My baby is WAAAY cuter." Not every baby is cute.
22. I've been socking away $5s and $10s for years and finally have two thousand dollars. No idea what I'll do with it, but having my own money again is empowering.
23. Questions of the day: 1) How did the pepperoni get stuck to the ceiling? 2) Why didn't gravity kick in & make it fall? 3) How did I not notice this? 4) When did we have pizza last?
24. I put my kids to bed in their clothes so I don't need to get them dressed the next day.
25. I confess that most days, I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing. Everyone thinks I have it all together -- good wife, good mom, successful career -- but I really don't. I'm ready to stop pretending to be perfect now.
I think some of us can relate to
So, what's YOUR mommy confession?
3 comments:
OMG these are flippin hilarious!
My favorites are #3 with the flipping off the teenager and #20 with the no-diaper husband - that would NOT fly in my house!
I am dying!!!! Like in stitches, head between my legs, almost peeing myself laughing so hard!! Next time someone asks me if I breasted I am totally responding with " did you shave your vagina" lol
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